Sunday, 13 February 2011

Byeeeee =)

Bye all.

I am really sorry but this blog has gotten away from me and turned into something dark and depressive. I need to start again. I need to try something new. I have a new blog and hopefully there I will be able to be open and honest like I wanted to be in this blog.

I will keep checking all your blogs and I wish you all the best =)



Monday, 31 January 2011

Gain, Loss and Love

Hello all

I have been so bad at posting lately I know. The reason for this is I have been trying to get better. So to speak.

I'm doing it for L. I've stopped cutting, and I am trying to control my eating habits, specifically the purging.

I'm finding it really hard though. I have changed my UGW to 120, which means I am still healthy and not underweight.

I am going to try to reach this weight a relatively healthy way, which means I will try not to starve myself for days at a time.

However I have realised that I don't know how to eat like a normal person anymore.

I will not eat all day then at night have pot noodles, noodles, macaroni, cheese bread, or some variation of this. I eat a lot of crap most of the time and I know that I can't keep going like that or I am going to want to purge and starve.

It was my birthday on Saturday, that's me officially 19.

I am going back to Uni in September, I am currently looking for a job, I might have found a flat in Glasgow for me and L.

I am in love.

If only I was happy with my weight/eating habits my life would be amazing right now.

I ate so much crap yesterday that I haven't eaten today, I don't want to. L is at college and when he gets back I need to go to the doctors to get a jag. I probably should have eaten because that might make me dizzy and I get dizzy enough with injections but I can't do it.

After I get back L and I will probably make some dinner and then hopefully that will be me.

I was making progress before but now I am getting back into my habits of eating out of habit and because it is there rather than because I am actually hungry.

I am trying to get better and it might take me a while, I am trying to stay healthy, I am trying not to purge and starve. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. I will try to catch up with your blogs



Sunday, 9 January 2011


Lame Title I know but I don't know what to call this.

My First Post of the New Year ? My Pathetic Attempt at Being A Good Blogger ?

I haven't posted since Christmas. I haven't had the time or motivation.

I also haven't cut since Christmas. I also have lost 5.4.lbs since Christmas.

None of it seems to matter. Got in a rather big thing with my mum which started as nothing at all and ended with me practically living at L's house.

I wish I could just move in. I honestly wish my mum and dad would just forget I was ever born so that I could be free to live my life without them and they wouldn't need to feel the pain or loss. Not likely to happen though.

Mum and I are alright at the minute but I have seen her for less than an hour in total since Monday when I left the house and didn't come back for 2 days.

I am so sick of it. I wish I could just move in with L. I like his family. I like his house. I love him.

I told my parents I wasn't going back to Uni for 9 months. I'm not sure how true that is. I might never go back . I don't know what the hell I am doing but all I know is that if I have L I will be okay.

I know that I am clingy and dependant but somehow I think that we will be okay, as long as I don't become too clingy.

I am ashamed to admit that when he went to college the other day I had to try sooooooo hard not to go through his stuff and even then I wasn't completely successful.

I hate this paranoia. I know it's all in my head and I trust L more than anyone else in the entire world so when I get these paranoid delusions I hate myself afterwards for invading his privacy. I feel so guilty and it's not like I don't trust him because I do but I have had this paranoia for years now and I don't know how to get rid of it.

It started when I was really young, in primary school, around the time everyone else started getting rid of their imaginary friends and mine started becoming more prominent. I never really did get rid of them but for about a year or so now they have faded into the background. I still get the feeling that people are watching me all the time. It makes me feel really fake. I am always putting on a show for someone, I am never truly alone.

I went out for a walk myself the other day and as usual the voices in my head started, it's my voice, it's me but the other me. Anyway, she made me want to cut so bad but I knew I couldn't. I am trying really hard not to for L. I punched a lampost instead. It didn't really make me feel better but at least I didn't cut.

Things are going to be so awesome when L and I move in together.

Despite the rather depressing tone I have actually been happy lately, free, light and happy. He makes me feel that way. Helps me to forget about everything else. Sometimes I feel worried that he is going to think that I only love him because he takes away my bad feelings but he takes away my bad feelings because I love him and I love him because he is this amazing person, funny, sweet, caring, total geek, likes a lot of the same things I like, good listener, understanding, fun, random. There are so many things that I love about him but most of them I can't put into words, It's just all of him.

Anway, mushy/depressing post over.

Happy New Year



Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas and a Happy First Date

Hellooooo all.

It is officially christmas now but as I am not what you would call a fan of the holiday I am going to talk about something which means more to me.

L and I went on our first official date on Christmas Eve. We have been going out for a while but we always go out with other people or stay in we haven't really been anywhere soooo we decided to go and see Harry Potter. It was an amazing day and we went to Starbucks then went to see the film and came home and exchanged Christmas presents.

It was the best date ever even including the random drunk guy who kissed me on the cheek in the bar haha.

I am now lying on the couch because my gran is sleeping in my bed and in about 6 and a half hours I will get up to celebrate Christmas.

Not to be a downer but I just want the day to be over with, I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I am sure I will get some lovely things from my friends and family but Christmas just makes me feel so lonely.

I haven't exactly had the best christmases over the past couple of years, something always goes wrong, especially last year and now Christmas just reminds me that it is almost New Year and how somethings aren't going to be around for much longer.

I'm sorry I know that is rather vague and confusing but it's rather personal and I don't really feel like sharing.

However, just because I don't particularly enjoy the holiday doesn't mean that you all can't. I wish everyone a merry christmas and I hope you all get what you want, be it a present or simply spending time with some loved ones. Merry Christmas !



Monday, 20 December 2010

6 Days To Happy Times

Helloooo =)

Sorry that last post was very short, I didn't have much time but I just wanted to let you know that I hadn't purged. It was really hard but that's the first time I have been able to stop myself when I have felt that bad.

It's Monday Weigh In and I have gained 1lb since Thursday. Not too bad in light of the past few days but I am not going to let it get any worse.

It is Christmas in 5 days and I am not really looking forward to it at all but in 6 days it is Boxing Day and I cannot wait for that !!

My brother and sisters and their kids all come up on boxing day and it's a really fun day. Plus my dad makes a buffet not a sit down meal so no one really notices if I don't eat much.

In other news, L asked me to go running !..........Dilemma ! I am a really self concious person when it comes to excercise. So much so that I feel self concious even when no one else is there. I really want to go running cause I used to love running but I am waaaay out of shape now. Do I suck it up go running and just face the fact that I won't be any good at first but might get better  OR do I tell him no and start excercising on my own until I feel comfortable enough to do it with him ??

Anyway, this is going to be another short-ish one because I don't really have much to say. Hope you have a nice run up to Christmas and I will try to keep up with all your blogs.



Sunday, 19 December 2010

Saturday, 18 December 2010


Intake of the day:

3 pieces of shortbread
3 pieces of toast
3 pieces of Pakora
A bit of Cheese Naan
Two bits of veggie cheese burger.

I am trying desperately not to purge, I said I was going to stop. I'm playing the 5 minute game, the elastic band round the wrist. I'm practically hyperventilating here someone please tell me how to make this go away.

I don't want to purge anymore !!!!!